I’m in the midst of an in-between time where important things float above my head with as yet no resolution. In other words … I’m waiting.
I’m not good at waiting. I hate security lines at airports, traffic, and crowded bars. (If I can’t get a beer in five minutes, I’m outta there.) Those are trivial things. This waiting is much bigger, and it’s starting to drive me insane.
I’m sure you’ve been there, waiting for that specific email or phone call that could possibly change your life or at least send you down a different path. The waiting eats at my brain. This thing I’m waiting for is always in the back of my mind, no matter what I’m doing. It’s with me in the morning, in the evening, and annoyingly, even in yoga–which is supposed to be my happy Zen place, damn it.
So far, nothing has helped with this waiting. I work. I work a lot honestly, but it’s like I’m not “all in” because I don’t know if what I’m doing is worthwhile as I wait.
For instance, I should be starting to write a new novel. I have the Word document open. I’m ready to do full character bios and establish setting. Yet, I can’t bring myself to work on this new project until I get some clarity.
I should be booking my mental health speech at writers’ conferences. I should be looking into yoga teacher certification. I should, I should, but I can’t because I can’t get my mind off the waiting.
Am I being purposely vague? No. I just can’t tell you exactly what the waiting is all about. I can just tell you I’m waiting.
Friends are being helpful, telling me to put my concern in the hands of the universe/God/et cetera. And I do pray about this waiting situation every night. I just want some answers, ya know? I’m beginning to feel like a patient waiting for a doctor’s bad news.
This is an in-between time filled with worry that is sucking the energy and, dare I say, joy from my day-to-day. I don’t wanna wait anymore. Give me some answers.
Successfully Mad 