Last night, I was watching an old episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I love this show. It makes me laugh, smile, and gag over the costuming. Last night’s episode, though, got a little dark.
RuPaul asked her girls to create two looks for the main stage: their happiest, prettiest drag and then … their inner saboteur. Basically, these girls had to dig up the worst parts of themselves and show them to the world.
It got me thinking about my own inner saboteur. What does my negative self talk sound like? Who is the bitch who lives inside me?
Let’s call her Sara Downer Bauer (huh, that rhymes). Wanna hear some of the things she says to me? I sure don’t, but here goes:
You’ll never be good enough.
Writer? You’re not a writer. You’re a hack. Everyone is better than you. EVERYONE. You write meaningless little ditties that touch no one, reach no one. You should give up.
Oh, and you’re selfish. You think of yourself before other people. Don’t deny it; you know it’s true.
You’re weak, too. You think you’re so strong? Nope, you’re a sniveling baby who’s scared half the time.
YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.
You can’t even keep a clean house or balance a checkbook. What the hell right do you have to be married to a great guy like Jake? Poor bastard didn’t know what he was getting into.
Did I mention? YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!
So, yeah, there’s a taste. Get the idea? These thoughts float through my mind at least once a day, but I try to fight them. I try to tell these thoughts to shut up. But they’ve been a part of me for so long; it’s tough sometimes to make the inner saboteur just go to hell.
However, as RuPaul stated in last night’s episode, “Look [at your inner saboteur], but don’t stare.” As some of the girls pointed out, those negative voices have occasionally pushed them to greatness … when not dragging them to the bottom of the sea. So it’s okay to glance at Mean You; just don’t hang out with her.
We all have our inner champion—the voice that tells us we’re doing fine, doing great even. This inner champion battles the inner saboteur. I’m not saying we’re all split personalities, but we do carry this psychological duality. You’re a champion, but you suck. These voices can and do coexist, but you gotta choose which voice you’re listening to.
I love this quote from art critic Jerry Saltz about his voices: “They tell you that you’re faking it, that other people see through you, that you’re lazy, that you don’t know what you’re doing, and that you’re just doing this to get attention or money. I have one solution to turn away these demons: After beating yourself up for half an hour or so, stop and say out loud, ‘Yeah, but I’m a fucking genius.”
Also, I find this reading by Benedict Cumberbatch is ALWAYS a perfect way to make the negative voices go away:
Now, what does your inner saboteur sound like? It’s important to recognize this voice so you know how to make it stop. Make it stop. It’s difficult, but do it … and if you have any suggestions on HOW to make it stop, let me know.
Successfully Mad 