Tag: negativity

Your inner saboteur

saradobiebauer
Happy Sara versus Evil Sara?

Last night, I was watching an old episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I love this show. It makes me laugh, smile, and gag over the costuming. Last night’s episode, though, got a little dark.

RuPaul asked her girls to create two looks for the main stage: their happiest, prettiest drag and then … their inner saboteur. Basically, these girls had to dig up the worst parts of themselves and show them to the world.

It got me thinking about my own inner saboteur. What does my negative self talk sound like? Who is the bitch who lives inside me?

Let’s call her Sara Downer Bauer (huh, that rhymes). Wanna hear some of the things she says to me? I sure don’t, but here goes:

You’ll never be good enough.

Writer? You’re not a writer. You’re a hack. Everyone is better than you. EVERYONE. You write meaningless little ditties that touch no one, reach no one. You should give up.

Oh, and you’re selfish. You think of yourself before other people. Don’t deny it; you know it’s true.

You’re weak, too. You think you’re so strong? Nope, you’re a sniveling baby who’s scared half the time.

YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

You can’t even keep a clean house or balance a checkbook. What the hell right do you have to be married to a great guy like Jake? Poor bastard didn’t know what he was getting into.

Did I mention? YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

So, yeah, there’s a taste. Get the idea? These thoughts float through my mind at least once a day, but I try to fight them. I try to tell these thoughts to shut up. But they’ve been a part of me for so long; it’s tough sometimes to make the inner saboteur just go to hell.

However, as RuPaul stated in last night’s episode, “Look [at your inner saboteur], but don’t stare.” As some of the girls pointed out, those negative voices have occasionally pushed them to greatness … when not dragging them to the bottom of the sea. So it’s okay to glance at Mean You; just don’t hang out with her.

We all have our inner champion—the voice that tells us we’re doing fine, doing great even. This inner champion battles the inner saboteur. I’m not saying we’re all split personalities, but we do carry this psychological duality. You’re a champion, but you suck. These voices can and do coexist, but you gotta choose which voice you’re listening to.

I love this quote from art critic Jerry Saltz about his voices: “They tell you that you’re faking it, that other people see through you, that you’re lazy, that you don’t know what you’re doing, and that you’re just doing this to get attention or money. I have one solution to turn away these demons: After beating yourself up for half an hour or so, stop and say out loud, ‘Yeah, but I’m a fucking genius.”

Also, I find this reading by Benedict Cumberbatch is ALWAYS a perfect way to make the negative voices go away:

Now, what does your inner saboteur sound like? It’s important to recognize this voice so you know how to make it stop. Make it stop. It’s difficult, but do it … and if you have any suggestions on HOW to make it stop, let me know.

Bad reviews

saradobiebauer

review

There’s a book reviewer who goes out of her way to say mean things about my work. She spends her own hard-earned cash in order to buy my novels and then, rip me apart online.

I find this all very confusing.

I’m not only a writer but also a reader, which means I’m reading all the time. If I start reading a book and don’t like it, I put it down because I don’t have time to read a book I don’t like. There are too many other wonderful, beautiful books out there waiting for me. They scream my name in dreams. (“Read us, Sara. Reeeeead us!”) Why waste time on a book that doesn’t tickle your fancy when there are so many books that might?

Beyond the time spent reading, she takes thoughtful time to write terrible things about me as a writer and as a person, and it all just seems like so much work. Why does she punish herself with negativity? Why does she upset herself on purpose?

I say I think this is confusing, but maybe I don’t.

Isn’t this what we’re looking for when we scan through Twitter or the national news? There is so much annoying shit out there; it’s like we actively go looking for it. We can’t wait to respond with a scathing comment to something that annoys us, angers us, offends us …

Isn’t this what we do when we gossip? Especially as a woman, I know I love a good gossip fest. It’s fun digging into other people—pointing out their flaws—because then, I can avoid my own.

“I might not be perfect, but look at her.”

“My marriage is tough sometimes, but we’re better than that couple.”

“Did you see the article he posted on Facebook? I can’t believe he thinks like that.”

It’s so easy to fixate on the negative. My therapist says it’s easy to be depressed; getting better is difficult. She also likes to remind me (especially when I tumble into negative self-talk), “We all think we aren’t good enough.” And that emotion manifests itself in many ways, whether through our online presence or day-to-day conversations or even our own internal monologues.

I made a promise to myself years ago: don’t read bad reviews. They don’t do anything but bring me down. They make the work suffer, because bad reviews make me question myself and if I’m worthy of creating. I am aware of the book reviewer who hates my work (and seemingly hates me by proxy), but I don’t actually read her reviews. Friends have read them and shout their frustrations, but I won’t allow myself a detailed study of everything that’s “wrong” with me.

It’s easy to avoid the one-star reviews on Goodreads. It’s not so easy to do in real life. It’s difficult to avoid the gossip, comparisons, and negative self-talk. If only a warning light blinked right before an annoying tweet or a destructive conversation. I’m not suggesting blinders; I am suggesting we all act a little nicer to other people and ourselves.